My Journey from doubt and fear to serving!
Fears can clobber a person. I am not talking about Godly fear. I am talking about a fear that is not rooted in God, a fear of the unknown, a fear that God does not want to have.
Sometimes I behave like my life is in my hands, I am the orchastrator of my life and not God. I wish things would go my way. I look at life and think this is what I would want to do. This is where I want to be in the next 5-10 years. All these are good. But I need to remember that the great God who holds my life in His hands could possibly have a different turn to my life and I need to be able to accept the change and live joyfully knowing that has plans and His plans are good for me.
Recently God reminded me of this truth – My life is in His hands and He has decided to take a different path for me. Long story short – On Aug 7, 2015, we came to know that we are having another baby! Babies are generally a joyous news but for us it was different. Due to my health issues and complications, it was almost impossible to have another baby though if all went well we would have added another in our troop already. It was hard but it took time for this truth to settle in and we as a family had accepted this reality that we will just be three. Allie, Edi and me. It took about 4 years for me to accept this reality. Just when we had thought we were all set and no more talks about having another baby etc we were surprised with the positive test! God has his ways! Just when we thought we had it all settled, He showed us that He is still not done with this DSouza family.
Fears of the unknown and past started lurking in as the days progressed. Not a godly fear! A fear that does not glorify God but robs of God’s glory. The what if’s? Fears of being able to carry a baby knowing that I have a risky medical history. Doubts of being able to survive a pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby.. The unknown had posed so many questions. Questions that I do not have answers to! But as my mind started wandering about I realized that this is not glorifying God. I am not rejoicing in the life that God has miraculously created and is continuing to create in me! I wanted it to be different, I wanted God to be glorified for His work. I wanted to be like Sarah rejoicing, like Rachel and Leah rejoicing in the creation. I wanted to be the way God wanted me to be – Rejoice in Him and enjoy Him though the future seemed hazy!
I sought for prayer and as I typed in the request to a dear friend I saw God’s providence, I saw God’s doing and my heart rejoiced in Him. For His doing and Him taking care of us. Just like it is said in Matt 6 – He will take care of our needs. I don’t have to worry.
Then I realized that if I am having fears of the unknown so might other people in my church. I shifted my focus from me and looked to God to help those in need. As I started focusing on people, I realized that I am no longer as worried about me. I was encouraged even as I was helping others see what the Bible has to say and how to trust God in their times of fear. God helped me see the joy in serving others. No wonder God calls us to serve and not be served.
Serving other in the midst of our own struggles helps us to see Christ more beautifully, His work. My burden did not seem to heavy for me to carry even as I focused all my energies in helping others in need. I found Joy in Serving in the midst of my fears. I saw my fears fading. I still struggle with doubts but each time I do doubt, I look to God to help me trust in Him and His plans for my life. I look at opportunities to help others because I am not the only one struggling. There are people in need and there is no time for me to wallow in my own doubts. As I do look away from myself, I realize that I am not the center of the life- it is God. It helps me be at rest.
I might not know the future or what the future holds but I know this wonderful God who holds my future! What He wills for my life is good. I might not be able to see this now but I know for sure that He who has made me has a plan for me and it is good. I want to rest in this and nothing else.